God dammit....I think I'm falling....hard!!
I don't want this...
Can't deal with it....
......just gonna end up heart broken anyways...
..end up not getting what I want.
Shit...shit...shit!!!!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Sad..
Nothing more to say really. I worked hard , I pushed and barely slept for weeks on end. So close, but no cigar. I never saw it coming. I knew, KNEW....I would make it. I guess past tense is the key.
Ok, I wanted to tell you all of it, but I'm going to cry again, and I cant do it. I'm out of energy. I haven't cried like this in years. Not since...
With all thats happened - pyelonephritis shit aside, money issues, the family...who don't want me this summer either. Shock, horror, eh, people. "It's not that we don't want you to come home...it's just not the time" Oh, so what, all concern for my health gone? Dont' even want to see me? "Take this time in Sweden as a opportunity to learn and see things, S"
Fine.
They say friends are the family that you choose. Funnily enough, Miss 6 was kind enoough to take this lost vagabond in. Thanks for believing in me you all, but it did not quite work out as planned. Doesn't mean I'm giving up. It's not how you fall..it's how you get up.
Hope all is well with you...God Bless. I love you all. Miss 6, Miss Lucifer - see u soon. =) TheZaf....thanks for yesterday. We tried to ring u back, much later...sorry about the delay. We will try again today. Is there a good time?
It's a climb
The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
Ok, I wanted to tell you all of it, but I'm going to cry again, and I cant do it. I'm out of energy. I haven't cried like this in years. Not since...
With all thats happened - pyelonephritis shit aside, money issues, the family...who don't want me this summer either. Shock, horror, eh, people. "It's not that we don't want you to come home...it's just not the time" Oh, so what, all concern for my health gone? Dont' even want to see me? "Take this time in Sweden as a opportunity to learn and see things, S"
Fine.
They say friends are the family that you choose. Funnily enough, Miss 6 was kind enoough to take this lost vagabond in. Thanks for believing in me you all, but it did not quite work out as planned. Doesn't mean I'm giving up. It's not how you fall..it's how you get up.
Hope all is well with you...God Bless. I love you all. Miss 6, Miss Lucifer - see u soon. =) TheZaf....thanks for yesterday. We tried to ring u back, much later...sorry about the delay. We will try again today. Is there a good time?
It's a climb
The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
Thursday, July 16, 2009
FF you need someone to TALK to!
I have to sober up and gather energy before i can read Femme Fatale's blog. Good lord woman, can't u narrow it down????? It will take me a week!!
Weeeeee.......... some more blogging and this week
finaly a day off!!!
it feels like iv been going none stop since friday
work -nap- party-work-show-work-sleep-work-sleep-work sleep-work-sleep-work-metal show and now day off
so what do i do on my day off ...... last weekend at work i met some american kid(18y.o) so we just met up today and hung around it so silly but he is such a kid but its fun :D and pluss for today i walked aboute 6Km yey i cant run much but i power walk i get my heart beat up and plus the heat here makes me sweat like apig. if miss6 was with me she would drool all over ... so many pumped up guys running around but im just me running around with my unshaved legs and my ipod :D
so some where in all this chaos i ran into my ex tum tum tum......the ex...... at first i felt like my heart is raceing like its looking for place to hide , for a while it hit me that i still had feeling for him, but after that moment i took a secound look at him and he just looked BAD . what ever i use to admire and love about him is GONE. but i kinda kaybashed i wanted to go say hi to aske whats up but first he was with is new gf and secound when i saw him at the begining i just walked away so i felt stupid coming up to him but oh well . im im officaly have moved on .
well im stinky and i need a shower and pack a bag going to be outta town all weekend hopfully it will be good im keeping my expaction low so i wont get heart broken like i do when i get hyped up
k love ya all
miss ya all
dont go boy crazy :)
good night
it feels like iv been going none stop since friday
work -nap- party-work-show-work-sleep-work-sleep-work sleep-work-sleep-work-metal show and now day off
so what do i do on my day off ...... last weekend at work i met some american kid(18y.o) so we just met up today and hung around it so silly but he is such a kid but its fun :D and pluss for today i walked aboute 6Km yey i cant run much but i power walk i get my heart beat up and plus the heat here makes me sweat like apig. if miss6 was with me she would drool all over ... so many pumped up guys running around but im just me running around with my unshaved legs and my ipod :D
so some where in all this chaos i ran into my ex tum tum tum......the ex...... at first i felt like my heart is raceing like its looking for place to hide , for a while it hit me that i still had feeling for him, but after that moment i took a secound look at him and he just looked BAD . what ever i use to admire and love about him is GONE. but i kinda kaybashed i wanted to go say hi to aske whats up but first he was with is new gf and secound when i saw him at the begining i just walked away so i felt stupid coming up to him but oh well . im im officaly have moved on .
well im stinky and i need a shower and pack a bag going to be outta town all weekend hopfully it will be good im keeping my expaction low so i wont get heart broken like i do when i get hyped up
k love ya all
miss ya all
dont go boy crazy :)
good night
update
"do you wanna explore me further...?"
What do i answer to that text??? Fuck me, i forgot what it's like to have boys in my life.
What do i answer to that text??? Fuck me, i forgot what it's like to have boys in my life.
"The English Patient" moment...
So it's been a while..I know and I'm sorry! I just had back to back night shifts and all that so just been sleep - work - sleep - work - sleep - work for me for the past couple of weeks. Don't even know how the weeks passed... Anyhooo
So, the co-worker situation.. Yeah..umm..no..I think we can consider that a no go. Frankly, I'm not into the whole "Cat and mouse, I'm too cool for school, I'm gona ignore u so u'll come running after me, one day I'm all on top of ur shiet and the next day I'm super cold" game.. FUCK THAT!
Bitch, I'm da shiet and if u're blond ass can't recognize then u can go suck a nut and kiss my "Best sex of your life" ass buhbye!! BUH-BYE!
However, there is another situation I would like to tell you about...
So at my ward we have allot of "regulars"...people who have to be there for a long time cuz they need treatment of some sort on a regular basis..
Whe I started working..at end of june.. There was this guy there (let's call him Joe), young, looked like he was around my age..tall..long brown hair..handsome, the type of face you see on classical cologne comercials..he never smiled..was very mute and looked like he was in allot of pain.. Frankly I thought he was one of those cold norwegians..u know what I'm talking about...so I never payed much attention to him. Anyways, so he was never MY patient so I never really got introduced or tended to him...just tried to smile and stuff when I'd see him in the hallways..
I was in his room one day (4 person room) chit chatting to my co-worker...and he was just lying there..so "lifeless"...so I turned to him and just spontanously said "So how you feelin' today Joe??!!" (and u know me and my loud ass voice)..started some small talk and cracked some sarcastic jokes which he slightly grinned at.. After that I would just now and then popp into his room and just say hi and what's up..
Ok so this story is very long and filled with details, so just bare with me I'll try to keep it as short as I can without writing a novel..
One day I'm rushing by his door and I hear someone shout out my name (at this point I haven't even introduced myself to him so oficially he doesn't know my name)..I turn and I see it's him..so I go into his room and he asks me for a glass og milk.. I'm like "What the hell do I look like to you, your damn maid??" (obviously with a tone of humor which he gets..thank god!).. That was basically the turning point.
I notice that he want's to talk to me more and more and he looks out his door whenever I pass by and well....I notice that I always go into his room and sit and talk to him..he intrigues me..one of the nurses makes a comment: "Looks like Joe, really has an eye for you Negar".. This is something that my other Co-worker also notices (and I think getting slightly jealous of and therefore started the whole cold front...get ur ego bruised a little bit did u little one?? Buu-fucking--huu!).
One day while getting my morning report about the patients I'm supposed to have on my watch, the nurses sais that Joe's "mental state" is going down.. He has been in bed for so long, lost ALLOT of weight (20 kgs in 1 month) and just not moving so his muscles are getting weaker, joints hurting and now he is starting to get slightly depressed.. I get concerned.. He isn't on my watch, but I go into his room and suggest to him that me and him take a walk out OUT (even tho he has pain walking and needs this supporting thing to lean on to walk)..I just suggest it and tell him to let me know if he is up for it and leave (me and him aren't close or anything at this point..still kinda of a "patient, nurse relationship").. so like and hour later he calls for me and I go to him and he is like: "Negar...I was thinking...you know if you aren't too bussy...I would like to try to go for that walk.." (He hasn't been out of bed for a week, except for going to the toilet or taking showers). I'm like hell yeah..come on lets go..
I take him out..and I wish you could see his face when he came out and the summer night wind was blowing on his face: "Oh my god...I can't even tell you how long it's been since I've felt the wind..actual wind.." he gets quiet then: "It's so strange to think about the fact that about 1 month ago I was a 90 kilo dude, backpacking through norway, sleeping in the woods, being active..and now look at me..in the hospital, bones sticking out my body and can barely walk."
I don't even know what to say...I just look at him and go "Shit happens" and he actually laughs... and is like "Damn, not much sympathy to get from you huh??" Me: "Stop being such a sissy boy, man up..this shit is only temporary..you'll be back to your old self in no time, I promise you!"
So it's about midnight (its my nightshift) and we are outside talking about everything and nothing...one hour later.. Real conversation.. Interesting conversation...
Next day (tuesday this week), I'm back for my second night shift and the nurse giving the report goes.. "Joe is so much better today, he has had a complete 180 change in his mood. He actually made initiative to go for a walk outside with his dad and stayed out for 1 hour. He just looks much better all in all" (I'm not saying that III was the cause of this mood change...but it made me really happy to hear this). So before I start my work I go to his room to check up on him, and tell him I'll be back once I've done everything so if he is still up we can talk a bit..
I finish all my work, get all my patients to bed and I go to check if he is still up...he is...so I get a cup of coffee and I sit on a chair and we start talking.. He actually talks about stuff..STUFF that is NOT SEX RELATED ( I know right! ) and III don't even feel the need to talk abou sex around him.. I crack jokes at him, and he presents me with dilemmas which I find soooo interesting: "Which one beverage and food would u bring with you if u deserted on an island?" "Never taste food again or never orgasm again?"
We keep talking, he asks me questions...he asks ME questions...like he wants to get to know me..new one for me.. He has gotten a high dose of pain medication and he has a hard time keeping his eyes open, even tho he is still talking and totally there..so I tell him that I should probably go so he can get some sleep.. He opens up his eyes and sais: "No don't to that..stay...I want you to stay". So I stay with him until he falls asleep... (if that didn't make you go aww then you have NO HEART!).
Today:
Crazy day at work..it was constant hustle hustle so I didn't get to go and say hi to him.. I see him being rolled out of his room so I rush over to see whats up.. Now they think he has gotten pneumonia on top of his condition so he is going to X-ray....bummer...last thing he needs.. So while he is gona I thought I'd make a little surprise for him, so I blow up a glove, draw a face on is and tie it to the chair in his room...as a substitute for me when I'm not there LOL
I'm getting off my shift, and he still isn't back so I'm guessing I wont get to see him before I go. A friend of his comes to visit and I tell him he is in X-ray and to just wait.
So 3.30..time to get off work..I quickly brush by his door and I see he is there..but he is sitting with friends and I don't wana disturb so I walk by. But I notice he sees me so I back up and go in and ask him how everything went. He quickly introduces me to his friend and points to the balloon..I kinda get embarassed and go "Yeah..you know..it's like Tom Hank's "Wilson", you know..someone you can talk to those days I'm not there to entertain you"... His friend's smile..
He looks at my bag and goes "You're leaving already????" "Already? I've been here all day Joe..it's almost 4 and I ended work 30 min ago" Chit chat, chit chat.. I say it was nice meeting his friends, for him to take care and that I'll see him in the morning...and I leave..
And now...I kinda feel like driving over to the hospital to drop in on him..
Well that was my little "The English Patient" story (if you've seen the movie)..
So, the co-worker situation.. Yeah..umm..no..I think we can consider that a no go. Frankly, I'm not into the whole "Cat and mouse, I'm too cool for school, I'm gona ignore u so u'll come running after me, one day I'm all on top of ur shiet and the next day I'm super cold" game.. FUCK THAT!
Bitch, I'm da shiet and if u're blond ass can't recognize then u can go suck a nut and kiss my "Best sex of your life" ass buhbye!! BUH-BYE!
However, there is another situation I would like to tell you about...
So at my ward we have allot of "regulars"...people who have to be there for a long time cuz they need treatment of some sort on a regular basis..
Whe I started working..at end of june.. There was this guy there (let's call him Joe), young, looked like he was around my age..tall..long brown hair..handsome, the type of face you see on classical cologne comercials..he never smiled..was very mute and looked like he was in allot of pain.. Frankly I thought he was one of those cold norwegians..u know what I'm talking about...so I never payed much attention to him. Anyways, so he was never MY patient so I never really got introduced or tended to him...just tried to smile and stuff when I'd see him in the hallways..
I was in his room one day (4 person room) chit chatting to my co-worker...and he was just lying there..so "lifeless"...so I turned to him and just spontanously said "So how you feelin' today Joe??!!" (and u know me and my loud ass voice)..started some small talk and cracked some sarcastic jokes which he slightly grinned at.. After that I would just now and then popp into his room and just say hi and what's up..
Ok so this story is very long and filled with details, so just bare with me I'll try to keep it as short as I can without writing a novel..
One day I'm rushing by his door and I hear someone shout out my name (at this point I haven't even introduced myself to him so oficially he doesn't know my name)..I turn and I see it's him..so I go into his room and he asks me for a glass og milk.. I'm like "What the hell do I look like to you, your damn maid??" (obviously with a tone of humor which he gets..thank god!).. That was basically the turning point.
I notice that he want's to talk to me more and more and he looks out his door whenever I pass by and well....I notice that I always go into his room and sit and talk to him..he intrigues me..one of the nurses makes a comment: "Looks like Joe, really has an eye for you Negar".. This is something that my other Co-worker also notices (and I think getting slightly jealous of and therefore started the whole cold front...get ur ego bruised a little bit did u little one?? Buu-fucking--huu!).
One day while getting my morning report about the patients I'm supposed to have on my watch, the nurses sais that Joe's "mental state" is going down.. He has been in bed for so long, lost ALLOT of weight (20 kgs in 1 month) and just not moving so his muscles are getting weaker, joints hurting and now he is starting to get slightly depressed.. I get concerned.. He isn't on my watch, but I go into his room and suggest to him that me and him take a walk out OUT (even tho he has pain walking and needs this supporting thing to lean on to walk)..I just suggest it and tell him to let me know if he is up for it and leave (me and him aren't close or anything at this point..still kinda of a "patient, nurse relationship").. so like and hour later he calls for me and I go to him and he is like: "Negar...I was thinking...you know if you aren't too bussy...I would like to try to go for that walk.." (He hasn't been out of bed for a week, except for going to the toilet or taking showers). I'm like hell yeah..come on lets go..
I take him out..and I wish you could see his face when he came out and the summer night wind was blowing on his face: "Oh my god...I can't even tell you how long it's been since I've felt the wind..actual wind.." he gets quiet then: "It's so strange to think about the fact that about 1 month ago I was a 90 kilo dude, backpacking through norway, sleeping in the woods, being active..and now look at me..in the hospital, bones sticking out my body and can barely walk."
I don't even know what to say...I just look at him and go "Shit happens" and he actually laughs... and is like "Damn, not much sympathy to get from you huh??" Me: "Stop being such a sissy boy, man up..this shit is only temporary..you'll be back to your old self in no time, I promise you!"
So it's about midnight (its my nightshift) and we are outside talking about everything and nothing...one hour later.. Real conversation.. Interesting conversation...
Next day (tuesday this week), I'm back for my second night shift and the nurse giving the report goes.. "Joe is so much better today, he has had a complete 180 change in his mood. He actually made initiative to go for a walk outside with his dad and stayed out for 1 hour. He just looks much better all in all" (I'm not saying that III was the cause of this mood change...but it made me really happy to hear this). So before I start my work I go to his room to check up on him, and tell him I'll be back once I've done everything so if he is still up we can talk a bit..
I finish all my work, get all my patients to bed and I go to check if he is still up...he is...so I get a cup of coffee and I sit on a chair and we start talking.. He actually talks about stuff..STUFF that is NOT SEX RELATED ( I know right! ) and III don't even feel the need to talk abou sex around him.. I crack jokes at him, and he presents me with dilemmas which I find soooo interesting: "Which one beverage and food would u bring with you if u deserted on an island?" "Never taste food again or never orgasm again?"
We keep talking, he asks me questions...he asks ME questions...like he wants to get to know me..new one for me.. He has gotten a high dose of pain medication and he has a hard time keeping his eyes open, even tho he is still talking and totally there..so I tell him that I should probably go so he can get some sleep.. He opens up his eyes and sais: "No don't to that..stay...I want you to stay". So I stay with him until he falls asleep... (if that didn't make you go aww then you have NO HEART!).
Today:
Crazy day at work..it was constant hustle hustle so I didn't get to go and say hi to him.. I see him being rolled out of his room so I rush over to see whats up.. Now they think he has gotten pneumonia on top of his condition so he is going to X-ray....bummer...last thing he needs.. So while he is gona I thought I'd make a little surprise for him, so I blow up a glove, draw a face on is and tie it to the chair in his room...as a substitute for me when I'm not there LOL
I'm getting off my shift, and he still isn't back so I'm guessing I wont get to see him before I go. A friend of his comes to visit and I tell him he is in X-ray and to just wait.
So 3.30..time to get off work..I quickly brush by his door and I see he is there..but he is sitting with friends and I don't wana disturb so I walk by. But I notice he sees me so I back up and go in and ask him how everything went. He quickly introduces me to his friend and points to the balloon..I kinda get embarassed and go "Yeah..you know..it's like Tom Hank's "Wilson", you know..someone you can talk to those days I'm not there to entertain you"... His friend's smile..
He looks at my bag and goes "You're leaving already????" "Already? I've been here all day Joe..it's almost 4 and I ended work 30 min ago" Chit chat, chit chat.. I say it was nice meeting his friends, for him to take care and that I'll see him in the morning...and I leave..
And now...I kinda feel like driving over to the hospital to drop in on him..
Well that was my little "The English Patient" story (if you've seen the movie)..
You all KNOW me!!
I won't surprise ya'll..... you will just laugh, bc you all know me...
Yesterday - well, no i should start from the beginning. I work at this restaurant, right? One day this cute guy comes there, and I go like "damn, that's one hottie!". So, being out w Miss Lucifer last weekend, i showed him to her. And guess what! Being blonde and gymfreak pays off for her.. -she knows him! So, she contacts him, telling him one of her friends' (me) asked if he was single.
He is.
So, exhanged numbers and several texts later, we decide to meet up.
Halleluja! Or.... no, in my world "FUCK!" I got so nervous i wouldn't remember my freakin' name!
And, I have a lovely therapy to stress down. Since it shouldn't have been too much of virginity for me to (maybe) kiss that cute dude, i had to relieve some steam. (Even kissing is veeeery far away from what i'm used to, when we're talking about human contact!)
So, when my coworker and i were in the storage room, i ask him if he wants a chewing gum. He says yes. So, i tell him to come and get it, and i give it to him... by mouth. *smile*
Now i'm feeling better.
Then i meet up w this guy for our 'date' (that word even gives me the shivers!) and he is really nice... And we watch a movie at his place.
And then ' since we're both loving tattoos... he has to take his shirt off and show them to me (duh!). Ehm.... after that some 'nice' things occur... But, being me leads to the following; after about 2 min and then again after 5 min I just stop, and say..."i gotta go!".
(Yes you can laugh now... I think also, somewhere in the middle, i even bursted out that it's been a looooong time since i had a halfnaked man so close onto me.... i was terrified, at least.)
So, i left, quickly as hell, and almost ran home, on the phone w Miss Lucifer all the way. After some hysterical laughing, screaming and crying i ended my day w nutella och icecream in the sofa.
I won't repeat a day like that again.
Yesterday - well, no i should start from the beginning. I work at this restaurant, right? One day this cute guy comes there, and I go like "damn, that's one hottie!". So, being out w Miss Lucifer last weekend, i showed him to her. And guess what! Being blonde and gymfreak pays off for her.. -she knows him! So, she contacts him, telling him one of her friends' (me) asked if he was single.
He is.
So, exhanged numbers and several texts later, we decide to meet up.
Halleluja! Or.... no, in my world "FUCK!" I got so nervous i wouldn't remember my freakin' name!
And, I have a lovely therapy to stress down. Since it shouldn't have been too much of virginity for me to (maybe) kiss that cute dude, i had to relieve some steam. (Even kissing is veeeery far away from what i'm used to, when we're talking about human contact!)
So, when my coworker and i were in the storage room, i ask him if he wants a chewing gum. He says yes. So, i tell him to come and get it, and i give it to him... by mouth. *smile*
Now i'm feeling better.
Then i meet up w this guy for our 'date' (that word even gives me the shivers!) and he is really nice... And we watch a movie at his place.
And then ' since we're both loving tattoos... he has to take his shirt off and show them to me (duh!). Ehm.... after that some 'nice' things occur... But, being me leads to the following; after about 2 min and then again after 5 min I just stop, and say..."i gotta go!".
(Yes you can laugh now... I think also, somewhere in the middle, i even bursted out that it's been a looooong time since i had a halfnaked man so close onto me.... i was terrified, at least.)
So, i left, quickly as hell, and almost ran home, on the phone w Miss Lucifer all the way. After some hysterical laughing, screaming and crying i ended my day w nutella och icecream in the sofa.
I won't repeat a day like that again.
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